Have you ever had one of those conversations where you know you’ve been speaking, but you’re not entirely sure anyone's been listening? I have three children, it’s a daily occurrence.
In frustration, after one particular exsaperated monologue I asked my son, “Have you heard anything I just said?” To my complete shock and dismay, without looking up from what he was doing, he recited everything back to me word for word. It was at least proof his short term memory was functioning, but I’m still not convinced he really heard anything I said.
On another occasion our three children were sitting at the breakfast bar after I’d finished making them their morning toast. A discussion ensued about their untidy...something...everything, and eventually in frustration and anger I blurted out “You’re being immensely frustrating. You’ve failed to carry any personal responsibility and there will be consequences for your disintegrous actions.”
My children at the time were 3, 5, and 7 years old, they had no idea what half those words meant. I'm a fair bit older than them, and I’m not sure what I was trying to communicate either. Their shocked silence was punctuated only by the loud chewing of their toast. As far as parent fails go, nailed it.
Such failed attempts at being able to communicate caused me to ask the question, what is communication?
It seems to me communication is as much a concept as it is a something you do. Communication is ultimately what bridges the gap between you and me, between us and them, between an idea generated and the same idea being outworked. We think we live in such a highly connected world, but at the end of the day, our connected through technology is built on our ability to communicate through those devices. The medium may have changed, but connectedness, or say it a different way, relationship, is achieved through communication.
Why start with such a grandiose view of communication? Because I want to paint a picture of how significant communication is in our lives. When your young conversations are relatively simple, they start and they finish. Many years ago now, they would happen on one of only a few mediums, paper, phone, or in person. Simply put, we couldn’t be in many simultaneous conversations. Just pause for a few seconds and thing about how many conversations that you’re in the middle of right now? How many text conversations are you in the middle of, how many email conversations, comments on your project management software, or posts on different social media channels. I know many people who would be in the hundreds of live conversations.
When we realise how much of our lives are built on our ability to communicate, it becomes worth pausing to ask a simple question; am I even good at communicating? This question opens the door to a whole new world of questions; how would I even know if I’m a good communicator? What is a good communication? Do I know people have even heard what I actually tried to communicate? Or do I even care? Who even taught me to communicate? Is there a better way of doing it?
I remember one particularly tough day I had in the office. That night I lay awake thinking about the projects I was leading at the time and why they weren’t succeeding, where was I failing them. It didn’t take long for me to come to the realisation that if I wanted to get the projects back on track I was going to need to engage the people around me. The team I managed, the consultants I engaged with, the various stakeholders in the project, and to do all of that required better, more thorough, communication from me.
My ability to relate to those around me, to achieve anything I set my time to, to live with the community around me, would rise or fall on my ability to communicate.
In many ways, this epiphany became a core tenant of how I lived. If I was going to live the kind of life I wanted to, be it career aspirations, friendships, family, volunteering, or simply having a dog...I wouldn't be able to do it by myself. Instead, I was going to need get good at connecting with those around me. In other words, I was going to need to learn how to communicate better.
Communication is not just someting we do, rather everything we do is communicating something. It’s not just what you say, it’s a reflection on what you believe. It’s not just a method of interaction, it’s unveils your heart to interact. It's not a project management tool, it projects who you are as a manager.
Over the next few thoughts in this series I hope to share some of the way this journey has changed the way I think about people and about life, and the impact that has had on how I communicate with those around me.