I’m fairly sure that my children were born with law degrees. I’m not saying they’re smart, but my gosh they know how to argue. And when they have an idea of what it is that they’re trying to achieve they are great at weaselling words, confusing arguments and leveraging other totally unrelated situations to get their way.
Lets’ take eating food. If we want to introduce a new vegetable to their diet we may as well gear up for war. The battle starts well in advance, with tactical conversations as my wife and I draw up the rules of engagement. We plan our attack, we predict responses and we strategise our countermoves. We figure out how to soften the ground, all in preparation for the fateful moment they realise a singular piece of cauliflower has made it onto their plate.
One thing we've learned in these skirmishes is that it’s not just what you say but how you say it that's important. If we're taking responsibility for the effectiveness of our own communication we must be aware of not just what we're delivering, but how we're delivering it as well.
To see this why this is important let's view it in an extreme context by looking at humankind hundreds of years ago, when we defended ourselves against wild animals with clubs and stones. We attacked wild animals either for food, or in self-defence, and our bodies engaged the fight or flight reflex. This natural reflex is healthy thing is in a response to anxiety in the face of physical danger, but it's not necessarily helpful in response to emotional danger. Without going into even deeper issues around anxiety and how susceptible we are to trigger this response it's helpful to know that for most people it can be easily triggered in conversations. So, what does the fight or flight response do in us?
Firstly, this reflex floods your body with adrenalin. It's preparing you to rely less on your reason and more on your ability to act. You don't need to negotiate with the tiger attacking you, you just need to fight it. Ever had that moment, well after the argument is finished, where you come up with the perfect come back? Chances are your reasoning brain has just started to kick in again.
Secondly, your body shuts down its non-vital systems. The reflex exists for your survival, in the middle of the fight you need all the energy your body can muster, and it needs to be in the muscle groups that need it. For that reason, the things your body doesn’t need gets turned off. Your digestive, immune system and growth cells all are unnecessary for you arm to throw the stones, so they get turned off.
So why is this all important for communication, because if you're in the fight or flight reflex, you're less likely to reason, and you're less likely to grow. Those are both crucial elements for having effective conversations. If you stay in it for longer periods of time you're more likely to be sick. In other words if we are putting people into this reflex in our conversations we are less likely to be heard and understood, and it's more likely that people are going to bring their best thinking after the conversation.
I find it amusing when people proudly declare they simply 'say it how it is'. The logic must follow that their opinion is that the goal is to have said something, and having said it, that end justifies the means. It's an entirely different benchmark to successful communication. Saying something shouldn't be the goal, being heard and understood, and potentially being wrong and therefore listening, should be the goal.
If you want to get the best out of your conversations, and therefore those around you, then we have to be aware of how we say things as well, otherwise you’re likely to simply get into more arguments or have more people stop talking to you. Fight, or flight.
A great communicator is able to do two things simultaneously. They’re able to deliver the content of a conversation and cultivate the context of the conversation. This requires being aware of yourself, the other person, and the surroundings, and only gets more complex when you have more people in the conversation. A great communicator isn’t lost in their words, but uses their words and their phrases to develop the context while delivering the content. Remember, there are lots of roads to take in the journey of communication. Remember, don't just take the same road because it’s easier, don't be ignorant of the context and how important it is to the process of communication.
So how do you do all this? Here’s a couple of tips I’ve learned
1. Narrate the conversation,
This will feel odd initially, but it’s often helpful to tell people what’s happening in the conversation. You might bring up the fact that someone was late to your meeting, they might respond emotionally with “your meetings are boring and a waste of time!” You can de-escalate the content by opening up the context, narrate what’s just happened. “Ok, there are now two issues we’re discussing, I’m happy to talk about my meetings and how beneficial they are or aren't, but before we come to that, I brought up a different issue. I want to make sure you’re ok, or understand if there was a reason you may have been late. Can we discuss that first, and then come back to a conversation about improving the meetings?”
2. Pick the location,
This helps drastically with the context of the conversation, are you going to have a personal conversation where someone is likely to shed a tear, in the corridor, at their desk, when they did expect it, or when they didn’t? Creating the context doesn’t just happen after the conversation has started, it happens well before. Set the expectation clearly and from the start. Don’t let people live in fear weeks out from an appraisal, but a little heads up about the conversation can also help a bit too. “Hey, I noticed it was a little tense between you and Bob in that meeting, I want to give you some time to cool down, but I’m keen to touch base about it later on. When might work for you?”
3. Stop speaking, preferably after you’ve asked a question
Sometimes you’ve talked too much. If you’ve been at the conversation for a while it might even need to be paused and picked up at a later date. If both parties still have the energy to keep going, it might be best to start asking some questions. The only way you can know what’s going on in someone else’s mind is to ask them to explain it. You can observe all the non-verbal cues you like, but asking someone a question is often a lot easier.
The truth is, there are lots of ways to affect the context, but just being aware of it is a great first step. Don’t just plough on in the hope you will end up where you want to, understand the nuances and make the effort to get there the most effective way possible.